Why do I punish myself?

Y'know when you do something and you think afterwards, "Why on earth did I just do that? I now feel crap."?

Yea, I just did that. It blows my mind that I would do something so stupid and end up causing myself pain. I think it has something to do with the weirdness currently going on in my house. Long story short (if it's ever possible) my dad found out my sister is smoking and refuses to see her off to university, she goes tomorrow.

So the complete awkwardness coupled with me just being me led me to peruse my old school chums facebook profiles. Now, I say old but I last saw them about a year ago. Still, I forgot a lot of people in that time.
I had a lot of friends at school for a while but now only speak to two of them. I was put through a lot by 'friends' who ended up really hurting me. School was definitely not the best years of my life.

So why, oh why, did I decide to mooch over to facebook and have all of those bad memories come flooding back? I want to cry for all of the bad things those people did. I actually want to confront them all and tell them how much they've hurt me even though it would make no difference.

When I confronted my school and got what I wanted I was overjoyed. I took control and made something happen that was just for me. But I can't do that with these terrible people. In years when I saw them be happy and helped them be happy, I was very, very sad. I was sad because of what they all did.

Is it just me or is it very telling that I don't smile in a single picture from that time of my life? I'm either pouting or pulling a funny face but no smiles. Not a single one.

Clearly, there are still things I need to work out in my head. But I don't know how. I just need a friend right now.

xxx Aria

A Pope's Visit

The Pope visited the UK this week. His visit cost £12m to the taxpayer and took up notable time on the television. He 'attempted' to address the issue of paedophile priests (not brilliantly seeing as there was no official apology to those who suffered at the hands of said priests).
I think its lovely that the country's Catholics were able to meet, see, experience the Pope and the Catholic church in a way that they may not ever have been able to before.  I can't imagine the happiness felt, especially by those who would never be able to travel to Italy and experience it that way.

This visit prompted a lot of controversy. Surprisingly, I experienced such controversy on two pagan discussion forums that I frequent. Both discussions followed the exact same path and I found it veeeery interesting.
The discussion starts with giggles and pokes at the Catholic Church, followed up by some anger from pagans to the Catholic Church. Then, in a very round about way, the tables turn. Some pagans feel a sort of guilt for thinking critically of the Church and they turn on the pagans who stick to their convictions and judgements of the Church. They defend a religion on the basis that it's a religion and should be respected.

But when did it become okay to defend a religion that has committed terrible crimes (and continues to do so) simply because it's a religion and should be 'respected'?

People pussyfoot around the bad things religions have done because religion has this weird, exclusive, 'get out of jail free' card when it comes to people questioning the bad stuff.

I would never go out and bash a religion. Like the ordinary Catholics, nothing wrong with them and I've got no issue with them. Most of them are lovely people. I have Catholic friends and they're wonderful (okay, I'm gonna stop with the patronising now).
So I would never bash a religion. I would, however, criticise the Church for allowing priests to continue in their roles of authority when they've abused young children. I would criticise the Church who changed the fabric of history and declared that the Virgin Mary FLEW, yes flew, to Heaven. She didn't die. She just flew. I would also question a Church that tells it's followers not to use contraception when their country is riddled with HIV.

Apparently, it's wrong of me to criticise an organisation that does those things. Apparently, that makes me intolerant. You know what, I am intolerant of people who abuse children and get away with it, who turn fiction into fact and who are narrow-minded enough to deny people safe sex.
That doesn't make me intolerant of Catholics.

What do you guys think?
xxx Aria

Frickin' money and class and houses and shiz

Prompted by one of my favouritist podcasters and bloggers, Fire Lyte of Inciting a Riot, I've decided to get huffy about how people classify or evaluate someone who regards themselves as pagan.

Fire Lyte got an email from someone having a hissy fit about how pagans aren't middle class and have no money because...that's how it works.

No...just NO! You cannot evaluate a pagan by what's in their bank account, what job they have or how big their house is.
One of the main reasons that the previous does not matter is that many, many pagans are firmly in the closet. For a lot of people their everyday life has little bearing on their pagan life. Full stop.
Furthermore, being a pagan has, by it nature, more to do with the inner self. Y'know, that little cricket that chirps in your head telling you to do good? It's about balance and being the best kind of human being you can be.

Maybe it shouldn't be about how much money you have but what you do with it? A pagan earns 100,000 per annum. Deduct 20% after taxes and give that to a charity. That's a pretty darn nice thing to do.
Giving what you have in excess to help those with little or nothing is a good thing to do. It shows qualities that bring hope and joy to the human race. Qualities like compassion and empathy, a drive to help others for the sake of helping.

Not many species out there can act altruistically but it's definitely a characteristic that we can boast about.

It doesn't matter what street you live on, whether you're white, black or asian, how much dosh you've got tucked away or who your mum and dad was.


Because it takes all kinds of people to be a pagan. There is no law that excludes. There is no dogma that dictates. We are given leave to govern our own decisions and to decide what is right for the world. So why, when given a responsibility like that, do some people feel the need to get a little too big for their boots and 'take charge'?
It might be part of the human condition to dictate and govern, it might be in our nature. But we have control over our nature. And if some people don't, they might want to consider their path and motives a little more carefully.

Love you all
xxx Aria

Music, thump...meow

Odd title yes?
Well I'm feeling a little odd today, better but still odd.

I moved (kind of) into my new house last week and I love it! I've finally got a double bed and there's even a FIREPLACE in my room. It doesn't work but it sure does look purdy.
I also tested the walking distance from my university library to the house...3 minutes. I'm telling you, I struck gold!
The only bad thing, it's a little creepy at night. The staircase is really steep and the entrance to the attic is a window...so you're walking up stairs and there's this creepy window that's just there...something even creepier might pop out!
Now I'm sure I've just the victim of over active imagination but does anything still scare you? The dark, spiders, y'know...stuff like that? Seriously, what silly little things scare you?
I feel five years old whenever I go near that staircase in the dark hehe. That covers the 'thump' in the title because it's meant as a scary thump.

As for the 'Music', I'm having a very tuneful day :) I've got my playlist going as I get started on my work for next university year. Schizophrenia, very upbeat subject no?
Woops, got distracted and have lost my train of thought. My mother is watching a period drama and forgot to tell me so grr!

I'm sorry this blog has ended up being more about me that paganism but the pagan thing isn't really happening for me right now. There's so much I want to do but it's all getting pushed aside in favour of blooming life angst.

I'm going to start with Esbats I guess :). I've never celebrated an Esbat and I'm not sure what to do exactly. Any help from my dearest readers would be much appreciated on that front.
What do you do for your Esbat celebrations? I may head over to the Pagan Hooligans website because they did a podcast on Esbats :)

So please send some handy hints my way!!
xxx Aria